Traveled Down The Road And Back Again

The semester has come to a close, and so has the ‘folio.

My first thought looking back on the entries is, hmm, this wasn’t so much a portfolio of homophobia and heterosexism as much as it was a portfolio of my reactions to those topics. I mean that, I don’t think I learned as much about the isms themselves as I have learned about myself in relation to those isms. Sure, I learned concrete things about homosexuality and being right-handed and about the experience of coming out as gay and Muslim. I’m exceedingly glad about that, too, because I feel like I have a better understanding of the community as a whole.

Yet, being actively conscious about these issues for the past few weeks has showed me just how unconscious I was before. Or at least how unwilling I was to process the heterosexist interactions around me. I still feel uncomfortable to some degree, but I’m more conscious about that discomfort, which I think is a step in the right direction. And I feel like I'm in greater proximity to all of the aspects of homophobia mentioned here, which gives me greater empowerment in confronting the isms when they are present.

I’m also happy, on a meta level, that I have this blog as a tangible portfolio of the past weeks. I can save the entries and always have my little perspective on the events of late 2007. It was more work than I thought, but I can honestly say it was worth it.

So in a way, yay! I mean, not yay for homophobia. You get what I mean.

"Funny Like I'm A Clown?"

I guess this is kind of a follow-up to my earlier post about the school, but this week I keep noticing something in my classes. Like, in this week’s Isms Lab we shared our instances of confronting or not confronting isms in our everyday lives. I shared my non-story of non-confrontation, and I picked up on something that I’ve noticed before in other classes. Many times when I talk in front of my classmates or give presentations, I am met with a lot of…I guess, smiles and laughing and aww-ing? Which I always think is strange because I don’t consider myself to be all that charismatic or anything. But I will honestly say things in what I consider a normal tone for myself, and my classmates tend to respond in a humored way. I mean, not laughing at me, per se, but…I feel like they are kind of laughing at the way I talk and my gesticulations and all that. It all kind of makes me feel like a spectacle. Like is my mere presence really that funny?

Does that make any sense?

The point I’m getting to is that I feel like I’m treated differently because of the way I apparently present myself. It makes me think that if I acted in way that was less, say, stereotypically gay, then I wouldn’t be met with such humored reactions. The more I think about it the more it bothers me because I question how seriously I can really be taken. What if I was giving a sales pitch for my company or relaying some scientific findings; would I be taken as seriously as a heterosexual-looking man? I kind of doubt it.

There seems to be a notion of gay mannerisms = funny, which is certainly a less insidious form of homophobia than others, but I think it’s still a form nonetheless. The good social worker in me always wants to call out my classmates and say something like, “I can’t help but notice that you all look really amused by me right now? Are you reacting to something I’m saying?”

I experience this as a microaggression partly because I don’t think that people react consciously to me in this way. We’re certainly taught that it’s funny to see a man act like a woman because, well, what could be more zany and backwards than that? Not that I think I act like a woman, but I know it just takes a flick of my wrist to get a laugh out of people. I don’t know. I’m all over the place on this one.

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number (Um, NOT.)

So, here’s the entry that I’ve wanted and simultaneously really not wanted to post. Personal? Oh yes.

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks now. We met earlier in November under circumstances that are rather unusual for me. Here’s the story:

I saw him standing on the L platform at 14^th Street and we made eye contact. And made eye contact again. And one more time. Once in the train, he sat next to me. What followed were the most tense eight or so minutes of my life. We didn’t talk, and we couldn’t really make any more eye contact because we were next to each other, but there was a tension between us that was almost unbearable. I knew I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know if it was reciprocated. He moved his hand to his leg so that it was about an inch away from my leg. I took that as my sign and as I was putting my iPod away at Grand Street, I turned and shakily asked him for his number. He looked at me blankly and said, “What?” and I immediately wanted to run away. He’s straight, I thought. It turns out, he didn’t understand what I said. Because he's German and I'm a mumbler. So I got the number, and he was interested, and yada yada dating.

So now that I’m more into the blog here, I can look at this more in terms of the relevant isms, I think. Of course, straight people can typically ask each other out without having to consider half the things I was thinking at the time. These include and are not limited to: “What if he’s straight?”, “What if someone overhears us?”, “What if he laughs or punches me?”. Part of that is my own fear of rejection, but there’s a safety component there that isn’t something that straight people have to be terribly concerned about. It was the L train, which has kind of a cosmopolitan reputation (or least as much as a subway line can have one), but it’s not like it’s a gay bar where I can be sure that he isn’t straight. We had to use an unspoken language to express our mutual interest, and even that was far from foolproof.

Now having seen him more than a few times, I’m becoming aware of my reluctance to talk about him with other people, particularly at school and with my family. Not that I think they wouldn’t be accepting of me dating somebody. But we don’t really represent the typical gay couple, mostly because he is considerably older than I am. I feel like I would be met with a lot of resistance if I divulged our age difference. I don’t think that resistance is due to direct homophobia, exactly, but I think it comes from an inability to neatly categorize the relationship. Or it might just come from genuine disgust about the age difference; disgust aimed at him for being a perv and at me for seeking that out. Such a reaction is completely mired in presumptions of gender and class along with sexuality. It definitely says something that I’m feeling the weight of all of this without having even told most people. I’m already programmed.

Culture Shock

If I may share a personal experience, I always feel a bit of a conflict when I go home for the holidays. Being from central Pennsylvania, I often experience a small amount of culture shock when I return home from New York or my previous residence in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I wouldn’t exactly say that the people in central PA are cultural troglodytes compared to my peers in New York or Michigan, but I definitely set my expectations high for my friends and family in terms of political correctness and sensitivity around issues of social identity.

So the first incident happened while I was driving to a gay club with my friends, who are all hetero-identified. One of my closest friends, K, commented that she was glad another friend, A, was going with us to the club because, “That way [K] won’t be the only dyke-y looking one there.” I was more than a little jarred by K’s language, but not as much as A who was also in the car at the time and was far from happy with the comparison. After seeing A’s reaction, K apologized for offending her, and I didn’t say anything about K’s choice of language because the atmosphere was already uncomfortable enough. At least, that was how I rationalized my decision at the time.

The other, much less incendiary comment that I heard while at home was made by my older step-brother. Truthfully, I don’t remember what warranted the remark (football?), but he called someone or something on the television “queer”. I didn’t say anything, and no one else seemed to react, though I think my mother was a little uncomfortable if only because I was in the room. My lack of response, I think, came from my natural aversion to confrontation as well as the fact that I don’t know my step-brother very well since I only see him one or two days a year.

So these are both clearly examples of individual-level, vocal acts of homophobia, though I would hesitate to call either my friend or my step-brother actively “homophobic” since I know them fairly well. As I continue to think about these comments, I’m increasingly unnerved by the lack of reactions from the people who were around me at the time. But, of course, I did not show much of a reaction either, so is it really my place to admonish my friends and family? I guess, I don’t think I should always have to defend myself, and I consider my peers to be at a level where they should be able to confront or intervene in the overt instances as well. For example, my mother has told me about how she will not put up with homophobic language at her office, and she will even throw my name out as a reason why she is personally upset by certain words. Nonetheless, I realize this is an area for me to work on. I think that if I was to vocally express how such language affects me, like my mother does at work, it would provide more of an incentive for my friends and family to confront instances both when I am present and when I’m not. In fact, it makes me wonder how often my friends or my extended family say things when I’m not around, and if they are reining it in while I’m in the room or the car or whatever.

Taking my weekend at home as a whole, I guess I feel a little uncomfortable when I’m out of my usual, safe, very gay and gay-friendly milieu. The context of homophobia is certainly worth considering when looking at one’s decision to confront or not to confront certain overt acts.

Varsity Blues

Osborne, D. & Wagner, III, W. E. (2007). Exploring the relationship between homophobia and participation in core sports among high school students. Sociological Perspectives, 50(4), 597-613.

The link goes to the article, via ProQuest, so you need to be logged in to view it.

Osborne and Wagner, in brief, interviewed 1470 public high school students in Philadelphia. The interview consisted of questions asking about their involvement in extracurricular activites, both athletic and nonathletic, and their feelings about gay people and discrimination against them. As the researchers predicted, male students who participated in athletic activities were three times more likely to demonstrate homophobic beliefs than those who were not. Additionally, female students involved in nonathletic activities were half as likely to demonstrate homophobia than those who were not. Male students were also more likely to have homophobic beliefs than female students overall.

It’s difficult for me not to have a “duh” reaction to these findings because they unerringly confirm my assumptions of homophobia among high school athletes. Speaking personally, I went to high school not terribly long ago and, though I wasn’t the victim of any extreme homophobia, I know that the male sports team, and particularly the varsity football team, was known for it’s absurd culture of hyper-masculinity. I also had the joy of four years of mandated physical education classes (thanks, Pennsylvania!), so I have some idea of what kind of talk happens in high school locker rooms despite my noninvolvement in high school athletics. It’s nothing surprising, just your typical derogatory comments.

I guess the study raises the question for me of, why is it assumed that this is part of high school athletic culture? Does assuming it will be there make it easier to ignore or accept it? Homophobia among high school students typically happens between individually, but does it also occur at the institutional level among schools who do not have policies against these sorts of actions? I would say so. I would say it happened at the level of the faculty, at least, at my school since many teacher would outright ignore or offer an indulgent “Now, guys…” in nauseating efforts to ingratiate themselves with the popular students.

I also have a reaction of just what are the effects of this homophobia. If homophobia is more likely to be found among the athletic boys, then, and this is just me making an unfounded conjecture, it’s probably likely to exist disproportionately among the more popular students. And, typically, popular students tend to be those that come from wealthier families; hence, they have greater resources in place to further their education or acquire more influential jobs. Then aren’t we, as a culture, really allowing the students who have the most tangible resources and likely potential enter the world with the greatest amount of homophobia? I realize I probably just made no less than a dozen errors in logic and I have no research to back me up, but it’s disheartening nonetheless for me to think about.

So, now determined to end on an optimistic note on this Friday, at least these teenagers are still teenagers and there is plenty of time for programming interventions to help mitigate this homophobia. Moreover, I’ve neglected to discuss the other major finding of the study that girls in nonathletic activities displayed less homophobia. I think that I can sleep a little better knowing that the students in the yearbook and science club are less homophobic.

Obligatory School-Related Post

I’ve been determined since undertaking this project to find heterosexist microaggressions in the school. And, (un?)fortunately, I’m coming up a little dry. I think part of it, honestly, is that the School of Social Work lives up to its reputation to being an environment of social justice. I think maybe a bigger part may be that I’ve sort of trained myself not to notice microaggressions. It’s uncomfortable for me to encounter and process them, and, not to psychoanalyze myself too much, I think I use it as a defense mechanism so that I can go on liking my school and my classmates.

That said, I’m noticing that on an interpersonal level it’s difficult for me to relate to a lot of my predominantly heterosexual and female classmates. I think it’s because there are bi-directional expectations at work based on gender on sexuality. On one hand, I feel like classmates are expecting me to fulfill gay male stereotypes about mannerisms, behavior, and dating. On the other hand, I expect them to have those expectations, so it stands out to me when I think they are acting in accordance with that. In short: they expect me to be Will, I expect them to be Grace. Those feelings aside, I would have to be completely oblivious not to notice all of the talk about boyfriends and husbands and hetero-relationships that, kind of inexplicably, makes me feel left out.

In the classroom, the most common theme I notice is the assumption of heterosexuality in any sort of therapeutic vignette or hypothetical situation. Whenever discussing the case of a gay person, it’s always explicitly stated, but if it is not then the client is always presumed to be heterosexual. Which, I think, is fair of the students to think that since it might not be a client population they have had much experience with. Still, it doesn’t take the professor much time or energy to mention sexuality and the similar or varying implications for a client depending on her or his orientation.

Mention of “gay issues” in classes is a double-edged sword. It needs to be there, but when it does get mentioned, I always feel like attention is directed at me and that it’s my responsibility to say something. Part of that is because I’m located at a gay agency, but I don’t think that’s why I feel an expectation to give my homo-sanction to the discussion. I find myself worrying a lot if these feelings I have are unfounded and are simply a result of some kind of heterosexist minority threat. I will say, though, that I think I can make a completely tenable claim that there is little LGBT-related material in the overall curriculum. Cultural competence is (somewhat) discussed with respect to race and ethnicity and gender, but there is nothing I have been taught about considerations for LGBT clients. Every day I’m at SAGE I think, what on earth would this be like for a straight student who has had no experience with gay people? And, because of this gap in the curriculum, I feel like my experiences are not always applicable to lessons or class discussions. I know the gay students are starting to sound like broken records at the school, but there is really a disservice to both gay and straight students in the area of queer ally building.

I guess that’s a lot of talking without a concrete, recent example for the portfolio. So here is one from a week or two ago that I’ll let speak for itself:

Student: Where is your field placement?

Mike: Oh, at an agency that provides counseling for gay elders.

Student: Oh…[voice going up an octave] Oh, that’s great!

Okay, I won’t let it speak for itself. Students should not be uncomfortable at the mere thought of gay people! ARGH.

Something Borrowed, Something Blah

Fred Thompson Quizzed On Civil Unions

The link goes to a short story about Fred Thompson getting confused about the state of same-sex marriages and civil unions. Thompson’s campaign supports states’ rights to decide on civil unions and he is against recognizing full faith and credit with respect to same-sex unions.

I’ve intentionally skirted around the political arena up to this point because, well, with politics comes the same-sex marriage debate, and with the same-sex marriage debate comes my utter exhaustion. I don’t think it’s particularly homophobic to not to be up-to-date with the current state of same-sex marriage in the U.S. I, however, think there is some heterosexism in some of the way that the issue is handled in a lot of my interactions. For one, people always assume that I support same-sex marriage. I don’t. I support the right for all people of all sexualities to get married, but I have no intention to get married, nor do I even like the institution as a whole.

I’m thinking, too, that a classmate of mine flashed me her engagement ring the other day and I couldn’t help but feel a little…alienated, maybe? Like, she made a choice to become part of an institution that I cannot be a part of (even though I don’t want to, but whatever) and that is a conscious choice to perpetuate the privileges awarded to heterosexuality. I’m sure she didn’t intend to upset me or anything, and truthfully she didn’t, but I always feel that way when I’m so directly confronted by marriage. It just confounds me how many socially liberal and pro-gay straight people get married, and it’s not like I’m seeing a lot of “bring the institution down from the inside” sort of behavior going on. Maybe if culturally we focused more on the experiences of actual gay people inside and outside of relationships, there would be more interpersonal consideration from straight people on how they may or may not be committing microaggressions in this area.

It Begins

Welcome to my blog! Here I will document whatever I encounter as it relates to homophobia and heterosexism. This will hopefully complete my portfolio assignment for The Isms Laboratory at the Columbia University School of Social Work

So, why homophobia and heterosexism? Although I fully disclose that I'm gay and proud of it, I should also say that I can be alarmingly obtuse to the goings-on of gay-related issues in the media and even in my own interactions. (I typically consider "paying attention" to mean "keeping up with what each designer made this week on Project Runway.") I have an inherent interest in the LGBT community, and I think that will help keep me genuinely engaged in this project. Also, while documenting another ism that applies less directly to my identities might be more personally challenging, I still feel there is a void, both in my school and in the general culture, of awareness around LGBT issues. I will still, however, challenge myself to seek out aspects of homophobia that represent the diversity of the community as a whole. I will also challenge myself to speak personally and really own my feelings and opinions as they are relevant. Will I learn something? I think so, but ask me again in seven weeks.