Traveled Down The Road And Back Again

The semester has come to a close, and so has the ‘folio.

My first thought looking back on the entries is, hmm, this wasn’t so much a portfolio of homophobia and heterosexism as much as it was a portfolio of my reactions to those topics. I mean that, I don’t think I learned as much about the isms themselves as I have learned about myself in relation to those isms. Sure, I learned concrete things about homosexuality and being right-handed and about the experience of coming out as gay and Muslim. I’m exceedingly glad about that, too, because I feel like I have a better understanding of the community as a whole.

Yet, being actively conscious about these issues for the past few weeks has showed me just how unconscious I was before. Or at least how unwilling I was to process the heterosexist interactions around me. I still feel uncomfortable to some degree, but I’m more conscious about that discomfort, which I think is a step in the right direction. And I feel like I'm in greater proximity to all of the aspects of homophobia mentioned here, which gives me greater empowerment in confronting the isms when they are present.

I’m also happy, on a meta level, that I have this blog as a tangible portfolio of the past weeks. I can save the entries and always have my little perspective on the events of late 2007. It was more work than I thought, but I can honestly say it was worth it.

So in a way, yay! I mean, not yay for homophobia. You get what I mean.

Fear and Self-Loathing

Jeremy's Journey Continues

This might be another example of me trying to fit something into the discussion of homophobia and heterosexism that might not be applicable, but I feel up to the challenge. So the link goes to a rather grisly story about Jeremy Gillitzer, a gay man in Minnesota who has been committed (by social workers) to an eating disorders hospital. There is no mention of any overt homophobia he has experienced, but the article got me thinking about the pervasiveness of eating disorders and body image distortions among in the gay (male) community.

Jeremy’s words about his disorder being a form of comfort really resonate with me. I think that maybe an eating disorder could be a way to provide comfort for a gay man’s feelings of self-hatred. Internalized homophobia is one area I haven’t really discussed here, but I don’t think that it just comes in the classic example of the “straight” guy who acts homophobic on the outside to hide his disapproval of his actual orientation. In terms of these serious body image disorders, maybe this internalized homophobia comes from a place of, “I accept that I’m gay, but I hate myself for being gay and not fitting in to the strict physical requirements of the community.” Maybe?

As a culture, I think there is a certain discomfort around seeing men with eating disorders. It goes against much of our notions of proper masculinity to see men obsess about their appearance to the point of losing weight and muscle mass. There’s a specter of sexism, too, hovering around this issue. I guess looking at my own very visceral reaction of horror to seeing the pictures of Jeremy, part of it is that I have an assumption of eating disorders as being a women’s disease. It’s like, a story about a (non-celebrity) woman with an eating disorder wouldn’t faze me because it’s such a gendered affliction. I think that even the cultural omnipresence of the word manorexic illustrates how we don’t take the issue all that seriously. Clearly, it’s a serious issue in the gay male community, so treating it with such a combination of levity and contempt tells me that this issue is not worth discussing, which smacks of heterosexism.

It seems like it would be really difficult to discuss any of these issues without giving due exploration into the role of sexism. Eating disorders among heterosexual women can be viewed in one way as the coercion of women into male-sanctioned perceptions of beauty and worth. I wonder if there are similar aspects at work among gay men. If eating disorders are indeed a way of wresting control from otherwise adverse circumstances, what is it about those circumstances that make them so unmanageable? I think this internalized homophobia has something to do with it, and really, where is there to turn when you hold an ism against yourself?

Not Exactly Brangelina, These Guys

Top Chef 3's Dale, Project Runway 4's Jack dating, having safe sex.

Okay, so I’ve wanted to discuss homophobia in movies or TV or some other media, but I'm increasingly realizing that I don't really watch movies or TV that much any more. But! I do try to keep up with Bravo's programming, so this headline grabbed my attention, and it gives me a chance to think about media representations despite the roominess of the entertainment-lacking cave I apparently dwell in.

Anyway, so this is kind of an anomalous news story, both in its lack of relevance (That’s totally my judgment. Two people who lost separate reality competitions are now dating? Fascinating!) but more so because stories about gay men dating aren’t exactly widely circulated. Especially stories that touch upon HIV and some of the issues it raises in relationships.

My strongest reaction is to the concerns that Jack, who is HIV-positive, caused by dating a man who is believed to be HIV-negative. Jack says, much more tactfully than I would probably put it if I were in his position, that there are plenty of ways to be sexually active without risking transmission of the virus. I think that this concern is probably a reaction a lot of Bravo fans might have had to hearing the story. Knowing Jack’s status, the thought definitely crossed my mind: “I wonder if the HIV thing is an issue.” It got me thinking, too, about if I would date a guy who is HIV-positive. (I am negative.) I like to think I would, but maybe I’m giving myself too much credit.

I’m still working out how the story relates to homophobia and/or heterosexism. Its fairly wide circulation in the blogosphere and my subsequent uneasiness makes me think it does relate in some way. I think there is kind of a Venn diagram of HIV-phobia and homophobia, in that there is often a demonstrable overlap but that each is capable of operating outside of one another. Jack mentioned in another article on the subject (that I am currently unable to relocate) that people kind of assumed that Dale is negative, so I think that’s one aspect. There is an assumption of HIV-negativity unless it’s openly refuted. I think it speaks to certain presumptions about homosexuality, too, that most people jump right to the sexual aspect of the relationship. It’s like there is this idea of, “How do they have sex?” Why do they have to have sex? It’s like the HIV status throws an incongruous wrench into what people expect of a gay relationship. And I don’t want to put it off me totally by saying “people” assume that, because I think that too.

I’m kind of wondering now how HIV status fits into (or doesn’t fit into) the greater isms discourse. It’s an identity that is often invisible and cuts across every other identity. It also is wrapped up with presumptions of race, ethnicity, and sexuality. I guess even though I think these kinds of “news” stories are a little…fluffy, I’m glad it’s giving some awareness to gay inter-HIV status relationships. There are implications for looking at heterosexism, to be sure, but I think I’m mostly happy that it can give someone like my mother, who is a Top Chef fan, some awareness about these identities.

Taking The "Ism " Out Of "Islam"

Gay Muslim Outs Himself to Muslim Scholars at Conference

The article link goes to a UK Gay News story about a gay Muslim man who came out to an audience of Muslim scholars at the International Consultation on Islam and HIV/AIDS. Suhail AbualSameed, who is weirdly given no other credentials other than “gay Muslim”, discussed the ill-treatment he receives from the larger Muslim community because of his sexuality, and it appears that his disclosure was well-received at the conference. The article also mentions some of the legal restrictions against homosexuality in some primarily Islamic countries, some of which even go up to the death penalty.

The article struck me because even though it’s so, so easy to ignore stories like this that have seemingly no effect on my life in the U.S., it’s hard to deny that this is a Big Deal. Even though I try to avoid thinking about isms in more than/less than terms, it’s difficult for me not to think of these other countries as simply more homophobic than the U.S. Particularly with Islam, the homophobia I think transcends being at a cultural level as it is within other religions. Once there are death penalty laws, I think it’s safe to say that one has reached the zenith of homophobia as an institution. I mentioned the assumptions I make about Christians in a previous post, and I think I make some of the same homophobia-emitting presumptions about Islam as a whole. I have an easier time saying disparaging things about Christianity’s treatment of gays because I primarily view it in terms of the white U.S. majority. I’m a little more uneasy about my Islam assumptions because I’m afraid I might be conflating it with ethnicity or nationalities that are different than my own. Am I viewing my conceptions of homophobia through a lens of racism or xenophobia? I don’t know, but it’s not the most pleasant thought.

So, separate from my own reaction, I cannot imagine a news item like this getting much attention in the U.S. because it intersects with issues that are largely outside the interests, I think, of most people. I feel like we don’t really have any cultural schema for “gay Muslim”, and it sounds like there might not be one in AbualSameed’s culture as well. I would hope that most people in the U.S. would be angered by the draconian anti-gay laws of other countries, but I’m afraid I’m just being overly optimistic. It might also be interesting to note that the conference took place in Johannesburg, and South Africa is one of only five countries that allow universal same-gender marriages. The general disapproval of same-gender marriage in the U.S. certainly doesn’t make us look great in terms of institutional acceptance.

"Funny Like I'm A Clown?"

I guess this is kind of a follow-up to my earlier post about the school, but this week I keep noticing something in my classes. Like, in this week’s Isms Lab we shared our instances of confronting or not confronting isms in our everyday lives. I shared my non-story of non-confrontation, and I picked up on something that I’ve noticed before in other classes. Many times when I talk in front of my classmates or give presentations, I am met with a lot of…I guess, smiles and laughing and aww-ing? Which I always think is strange because I don’t consider myself to be all that charismatic or anything. But I will honestly say things in what I consider a normal tone for myself, and my classmates tend to respond in a humored way. I mean, not laughing at me, per se, but…I feel like they are kind of laughing at the way I talk and my gesticulations and all that. It all kind of makes me feel like a spectacle. Like is my mere presence really that funny?

Does that make any sense?

The point I’m getting to is that I feel like I’m treated differently because of the way I apparently present myself. It makes me think that if I acted in way that was less, say, stereotypically gay, then I wouldn’t be met with such humored reactions. The more I think about it the more it bothers me because I question how seriously I can really be taken. What if I was giving a sales pitch for my company or relaying some scientific findings; would I be taken as seriously as a heterosexual-looking man? I kind of doubt it.

There seems to be a notion of gay mannerisms = funny, which is certainly a less insidious form of homophobia than others, but I think it’s still a form nonetheless. The good social worker in me always wants to call out my classmates and say something like, “I can’t help but notice that you all look really amused by me right now? Are you reacting to something I’m saying?”

I experience this as a microaggression partly because I don’t think that people react consciously to me in this way. We’re certainly taught that it’s funny to see a man act like a woman because, well, what could be more zany and backwards than that? Not that I think I act like a woman, but I know it just takes a flick of my wrist to get a laugh out of people. I don’t know. I’m all over the place on this one.

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number (Um, NOT.)

So, here’s the entry that I’ve wanted and simultaneously really not wanted to post. Personal? Oh yes.

I’ve been dating a guy for a few weeks now. We met earlier in November under circumstances that are rather unusual for me. Here’s the story:

I saw him standing on the L platform at 14^th Street and we made eye contact. And made eye contact again. And one more time. Once in the train, he sat next to me. What followed were the most tense eight or so minutes of my life. We didn’t talk, and we couldn’t really make any more eye contact because we were next to each other, but there was a tension between us that was almost unbearable. I knew I was attracted to him, but I didn’t know if it was reciprocated. He moved his hand to his leg so that it was about an inch away from my leg. I took that as my sign and as I was putting my iPod away at Grand Street, I turned and shakily asked him for his number. He looked at me blankly and said, “What?” and I immediately wanted to run away. He’s straight, I thought. It turns out, he didn’t understand what I said. Because he's German and I'm a mumbler. So I got the number, and he was interested, and yada yada dating.

So now that I’m more into the blog here, I can look at this more in terms of the relevant isms, I think. Of course, straight people can typically ask each other out without having to consider half the things I was thinking at the time. These include and are not limited to: “What if he’s straight?”, “What if someone overhears us?”, “What if he laughs or punches me?”. Part of that is my own fear of rejection, but there’s a safety component there that isn’t something that straight people have to be terribly concerned about. It was the L train, which has kind of a cosmopolitan reputation (or least as much as a subway line can have one), but it’s not like it’s a gay bar where I can be sure that he isn’t straight. We had to use an unspoken language to express our mutual interest, and even that was far from foolproof.

Now having seen him more than a few times, I’m becoming aware of my reluctance to talk about him with other people, particularly at school and with my family. Not that I think they wouldn’t be accepting of me dating somebody. But we don’t really represent the typical gay couple, mostly because he is considerably older than I am. I feel like I would be met with a lot of resistance if I divulged our age difference. I don’t think that resistance is due to direct homophobia, exactly, but I think it comes from an inability to neatly categorize the relationship. Or it might just come from genuine disgust about the age difference; disgust aimed at him for being a perv and at me for seeking that out. Such a reaction is completely mired in presumptions of gender and class along with sexuality. It definitely says something that I’m feeling the weight of all of this without having even told most people. I’m already programmed.

She Bothered Me With Science (Beep Boop Beep)

Study: Gay men more likely to be right-handed

The link goes to an Edge Boston article describing a recent Canadian study on sexuality and manual dexterity. Specifically, the researchers found that gay men had higher rates of both left-handedness and extreme right-handedness. The implications of the study would potentially corroborate theories of homosexuality being related to developmental stressors during pregnancy. Having few or no older brothers also moderates the relationship between homosexuality and both left- and extreme right-handedness. All in all, it helps give more credence to the innateness of homosexuality.

So why include this in a portfolio about homophobia and heterosexism? For one, it seems like we as a culture should be questioning why we need scientific studies to prove that homosexuality is biologically determined. What would it mean if it wasn’t linked to genes or developmental stressors? What are the messages inherent in the cultural circulation of these research studies? Clearly, we (meaning Western culture) to be some sort of explanation as to why people would be gay, and the discursive value that our culture places on science and medicine illustrates the need for an official sanction for such deviant behavior.

I’m giving my very personal opinion, and although I value these scientific studies and find them interesting, I think that there is an assumption of biological essentialism. That is, this research maintains the notion that sexuality is inexorably linked to biology. And, undoubtedly, this is true to a considerable degree when looking at hormones, reproduction, et cetera. Yet, I think so much of our sexuality is socially constructed that focusing so intently on biology only serves to overlook these social meanings. For example, would these findings on handedness and homosexuality be applicable to other cultures or historical time periods? Homosexuality is a relatively recent and Western-centric identity, so I question just how applicable these findings are outside of the population studies. Not that it was the intent of the researchers to have universally applicable results, but I think that is how sexuality is often viewed; as unchanging no matter what the context.

So back to those pesky issues in the byline of the blog. Certainly, results like those of this study can help engender a greater acceptance of homosexuality by proving it does have a biological basis and is not merely some regrettable choice ten-ish percent of the population decided to make. Nonetheless, by giving so much clout to science and medicine on issues of homosexuality, we are basically reinforcing the normative status of heterosexuality. The converse of questioning the scientific basis for homosexuality is that the basis for heterosexuality goes unquestioned and accepted as normal. It’s kind of like disguising heterosexism in a white lab coat.